Seeking new villagers.

Today was a rough day. 

I continually remind myself that Christmas is about the birth of Christ and not about spending time with family and being generous, but deep down I know I continually tell myself that in hopes to distract myself from the impending loneliness that comes with Christmas, and today I felt it sorely. 

It was going to be a rough day either way with the boys school concerts and the day didn't start well when Jack announced he needed to wear all grey clothes for his costume today- the first he had mentioned to me!. Somehow I made it through the morning and then before leaving for the afternoon concert I opened a parcel that had arrived from my mom. Inside was a photo book of the summer I had just spent with my family in England, complete with photos of spreading my grandfathers ashes and the last picture I had taken with him. I wasn't exactly in a great frame of mind to attend my sons concert with just my two year old for company but none the less I set off in what I felt was good time. 

Arriving at the school not only was the parking lot full but every side street- I would have walked if it weren't for the stroller being so hard to push through the snow.  I arrive at the concert after dropping off Harry late and sit by myself- literally. I am on the end of a row and there are 5 empty seats next to me, in front and behind me. penny starts screaming, she is mad about the rather long walk to the school and because she wanted to play in Harry's classroom. Everyone proceeds to stare at me- like that's going to help- all the grandparents, uncles and aunts pointing at me and shaking their heads. The loneliness starts to overwhelm me. This is our third concert in 5 days and you see I have no grandparents or uncles and aunts to invite. I firmly believe that it takes a whole village to raise a child- but with no family here and still being relatively new I am feeling the weight of being that whole village myself and it's exhausting. So I start to cry- right there in the school gym. No one asks if I'm ok or if they can help but it makes them feel awkward enough that at least they don't stare any more. Penny finally calms down and we get to enjoy the concert in our little Island.

I pick up Harry, there isn't much time until we have to be back to pick Jack up from school so I decide I will run to the store with the younger two where they can have a cookie and I can finish off some last minute christmas shopping and pick up the snacks for the school party on Friday. The last minute christmas shopping is not even from me, it's from my family. I love and appreciate all my family on both sides of the pond and I am truly thankful for their generosity at birthdays and christmas but it's an extra weight. I imagine most "normal" families throw a birthday party for their kid and uncles and aunts and grandparents attend and bring gifts.They spend ample time with the kids so they know what things they like and have seen the toys they already have.  When they are older perhaps they also have a party where they invite their friends. Birthdays in our house our quite different. My children get very few gifts sent to them, I get sent money to purchase gifts and I fully understand why. The cost of mailing gifts locally or internationally is prohibitive and when the family don't get chance to see the kids much it's hard to know what to buy and what they already have- I get it- it make sense! But it means every christmas and birthday I have to do the shopping for at least 6 other sets of relatives, purchase and wrap the gifts and then report back what was purchased (in detail to some of my relatives!)- the responsibility is back on me

So here I am in superstore shopping for various different relatives when disaster happens- Penny drops the last bite of her cookie on the floor, perhaps I should have just given it back to her or bought a box of cookies, but I chose to do the tough love choice and say "sorry honey- you can't eat a cookie from the floor it's dirty, I'll get you a snack when you get home"- full on Meltdown! I try and comfort her but she is throwing a hissy fit. She's not hurt she is just mad. She takes after Jack (and myself!) in that she is very strong willed and I know that the only thing that is going to make her happy is to give her the cookie off the floor (not going to do!) or get out of there. So we rush to pay going through the shorter express lane even though we were over and leave the store while Penny continues to cry and then it happened. Probably not really as a big a deal as it felt, but on top of all the loneliness I was already feeling it cut deep "you could at least TRY and comfort her!" some woman yells at me from above as I walk down the ramp. 

I didn't even see her face but that one simple sentence made me desperately sad and desperately angry all at the same time. I was angry that a stranger who knew nothing about me, my kids or my situation or why even my child was crying would yell mean things at me, and I was desperately sad because at the same time she was the first person who had acknowledged I was having a rough day, she was the first one apply for residence in my village.  If she had said something, almost anything vaguely considerate or sympathetic it might have been the jewel in my day, my saving moment but instead it was the final nail in the coffin. I walked back to the van and proceeded to bawl my eyes out. I went to pick up Jack and Harry explained the situation to his brother "when we were going down the ramp somebody shouted something mean to mommy"- apparently my 4 year old knew what this lady said was wrong. 

In my mind I try to reconcile things and give this stranger the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she too was having a really rough day, perhaps she had a migraine and had to go to the store for painkillers and the screechings of my two year old were more than she could handle. No matter what angle I try to look at it from. I wasn't allowed to have a say in how Canada was run until I had lived there successfully for a while and then publicly declared my loyalty. And the same goes for my village. So if per chance the lady who yelled at me ever reads this here is my message me to you-only residents of the Smith village are allowed to have a say in it's governance and your application is denied.